ani place in time

Dec 2025-Jan 2026

monthly mix spotify

monthly mix apple music

updates

2025 was a rough year, certainly competing for one of my worst mental health wise. But I have a recency bias, so take my potential catastrophizing with a grain of salt.

The year started out with high hopes. I began to get medicated for ADHD and depression, I started this wonderful project of a website, I was going to graduate dental school and move across the country. But I feel like I've been clawing against the top of my grave, and the dirt being piled on top is just outpacing my breaking fingernails.

Dental school graduation seemed potentially unattainable until the moment it happened, and, honestly, every day I question if I'm cut out for the responsibility of being a doctor. The whole time I was in Japan and moving to Spokane, the question of "am I going to graduate" was looming over me.

Once I got to Spokane, lack of communication and an ensuing argument left me 100% alone in the PNW; I was no longer friends with the one person in the area I had any connection with, the only person I thought I could rely on for a close, personal, platonic relationship.

It's been 6 months or so now, and I still haven't made any real friends. I have acquaintances at the bar and my co-residents, but largely I am alone. It certainly feels that way at least.

The year started out with me getting into an argument with my family about my names and pronouns – this has most definitely not been resolved. When called out for it, they told me they "didn't understand" but wouldn't accept resources on the matter because they "wanted to hear it from me", but they never asked any question, and that they "try to say Ani, but the word just won't make it to their lips", and that once I was in Spokane it would be "out of sight, out of mine" and my mom would revert anyways to my deadname. (If there's any English majors reading, this is the part where I must apologize for the egregious run on sentence just used. I am sorry. I know it's wrong, but sometimes you need to break the rules to more effectively communicate emotion) Changing my name in their phone is an easy, low effort change, something small to remind them and speak volumes to me that they care, but that never happened. And every piece of mail I get, I'm reminded that I'm not worth the effort. They told me I should consider myself lucky they didn't put me out on the street after I told them, as if that didn't complicate the situation more for me. If they kicked me out, I would have at least had the chance to move on. Now they still hold me obligated to see them, spend time with them, be apart of the family. I'm not sure that works for me anymore. I've had to see my family or parents three times over the past four months, each time resulting in me spiraling a bit, culminating in a trip to Pittsburgh over Christmas where I stayed with them for a week. Just as I was beginning to accept myself more and take steps to care for myself, I returned to the house I grew up in. For a week, my sense of self was eroded, any confidence I had started to build up was gone. I felt like a ghost walking around my childhood home. It is obvious that no one really cares to see the true me, and I'm not loved as Ani. This has been tough.

But it hasn't been all bad this year. In many ways, I've been the most myself I've ever been able to be. I walked at graduation as Ani, and I moved somewhere people only know me as Ani. I spent some of my happiest moments in Pittsburgh this past spring, mostly thanks to Lynn taking me everywhere. The two of us drove to Philly on a whim and scalped tickets to a sold out show so we could watch Hop Along play for 40 minutes. I got more into cooking for a while, and made some truly memorable meals. I felt my photography grow as well. I saw Still House Plants live finally, and I got to be apart of my best friends' wedding, allowed to truly love and be loved. A week+ in Japan was pure bliss, and some of my last moments in Pittsburgh being used to see Feeble Little Horse in a basement felt like a proper closing of a circle for the city. And there's been some truly beautiful moments visiting Lynn in Rhode Island, and her visiting me here. And where one deep platonic friendship ended, another began, and I had a wonderful new friendship blossom more this past year.

As we begin the new year, I've been listening to a lot of Waxahatchee, especially her 2024 record Tigersblood and her recent collaboration with her sister, Snocaps. Both present fairly simply, but the writing, especially on Tigersblood, really shines. LOTTO by They Are Gutting a Body of Water had me in a chokehold this fall, and as always, I couldn't stop listening to the Fall.

While my mental health suffered, I read less but began to fight my way through books slowly. Misinterpretation by Ledia Xhoga and Vineland by Thomas Pynchon were both good but, similarly, let downs of novels. They had wonderful writing and good stories, the narratives just didn't connect with me in meaningful ways. I'm reading Bend Sinister by Vladimir Nabokov now; it's over my head in a similar way to Pynchon but still enjoyable. I saw wonderful movies for the first time this year. Funeral Parade of Roses, I Saw the TV Glow, We're All Going to the World's Fair, Jeanne Dielman, 23, quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles, and High and Low were all bright spots that deepened my appreciation for film.

What does the next year look like for me? I really don't know. I'm still trying to dig myself out of the hole I've seemingly been in forever. I want to keep up with this site, and I want to decrease my social media use. Somewhere along the line this past year, keeping up with the site became work. I have to continue to grow and hope that someday it, and life, come easier. That's the ideal we're working towards, some art for art's sake bullshit, but I mean it. Perfect is impossible, but that doesn't mean I don't want it. Let's hope the journey is enjoyable.