ani place in time

Jan-Feb 2026

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I approach the end of this month with an optimism I haven't felt in a while. I'm still recovering from my brief time in Pittsburgh, but the fog in my mind is beginning to clear. As I write, I feel a sense of contentment that I'm trying to savor for what's it's worth. I'm enjoying having a handpiece in my hand again, but so much time this month has truly been lost on me. I don't mean that in a derogatory, wasted time sense, but as I look back on the past while, I can't tell you how the majority of my time was spent outside of work. I think I needed a break though, and for the moment I'm feeling more rejuvenated. My medications have started to take full effect again, something I feel most strongly this weekend. In my current state of contentment, I'm realizing I need more things to look forward to on a short-term basis, small habits and joys built into my routine daily and weekly that I can be excited for. The things I've found recently that bring me joy are my Saturday Everything Showers and going to the bar where my favorite people in Spokane work. Even if they're to busy to talk most of the night, it feels nice to recognize how excited they are to see me, and I'm very content to sit there with them close and do my best to keep a rotating cast of characters also sitting at the bar entertained. The same goes for the coffee shop around the corner from me. I want to make visiting at minimum a weekly habit because I love getting to see and chat with Taylor, the owner, for a few minutes. I even met one of the baristas and that is now hopefully developing into a good friendship.

The tricky part is finding ways to fit in things I know I enjoy but have a difficult time giving the energy or time necessary to do. I like semi-elaborate bedtime routines and eating breakfast at home in the mornings and yoga and mindfulness and reading and writing my friends and cooking. These things aren't out of the question – there was a time when I did any one of these things on a regular basis. I'm approaching it cautiously and hoping to build mmomentum instead of burning up immediately. That pattern is just as common as this "I wish for change" language on this website.

Aside from trying to get out a bit more, I've been a fiend for Blurays recently, and I've spent a lot of time shopping for and buying movies. Part of this is motivated by my love for physical media, part of it is motivated by my frustration with the streaming model. Have I watched any of them? Hardly. But when I do want to watch them, I can. At any time! Movies like The Fly and Rocky Horror and Booksmart and Me and Earl and the Dying Girl that are available so sporadically it infuriates me! I'm surprised music streaming platforms haven't adopted the same model, but I guess they kind of tried with exclusive releases and artists pulling music from different platforms. Music streaming was never as splintered as video streaming though, and the way people interact with and think about music and its worth was never going to allow that model to succeed.

The new By Storm record was released just as this month was closing and gggoooddddddaaammmnnn it's so good. The instrumentals are significantly more relaxed than By the Time I Get to Phoenix, much more focus on space and texture this time. It really feels like they took all the skills they learned and refined it from the chaos. Ritchie sounds incredible as well and follows a similar MO. His vocal stylings are even more out there and expressive, but more clear. It is really an incredible piece of music. If you know me at all, you know I've been following Injury Reserve since their first mixtape Live From the Dentist Office, and they've always been one of my favorite hip hop groups. More recetly, it's felt so much like they've grown exactly in line with my own taste of music, but their execution is better than ever. At this point, they've hit full stride, and I am endlessly excited to see where they go next.

Final bit of news is that I started HRT (or anti-boy-otics according to one very funny Lynn) just a few days before the end of the month. Not much has happened yet, and it'll probably be at least a month before I notice much change. I'm very excited for what's to come though. So far, they've just made me nauseous.

There's no creative updates for the moment, it's been a very slow season for me. I am sitting on a roll of film that I need to get developed, but I'm lazy, and it's very expensive in Spokane (but they do an astounding job). It's on my list of things to do before the end of next month, but with turn around times etc. it might still not be done. I hope you're not a nail biter or you'll have nothing but nubs while waiting anxiously.

link to recent music releases / bandcamp

currently enjoying

listening

By Storm - My Ghosts Go Ghost
John Coltrane - Ascension
Xiu Xiu - Xiu Mutha Fuckin' Xiu: Vol. 1

watching

Vince Gilligan - Breaking Bad
Wes Craven - Nightmare on Elm Street
Sam Raimi - The Evil Dead

reading

Ottessa Moshfegh - My Year of Rest and Relaxation

I love you. I hope to hear from you soon.

~ani~

Dec 2025-Jan 2026

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updates

2025 was a rough year, certainly competing for one of my worst mental health wise. But I have a recency bias, so take my potential catastrophizing with a grain of salt.

The year started out with high hopes. I began to get medicated for ADHD and depression, I started this wonderful project of a website, I was going to graduate dental school and move across the country. But I feel like I've been clawing against the top of my grave, and the dirt being piled on top is just outpacing my breaking fingernails.

Dental school graduation seemed potentially unattainable until the moment it happened, and, honestly, every day I question if I'm cut out for the responsibility of being a doctor. The whole time I was in Japan and moving to Spokane, the question of "am I going to graduate" was looming over me.

Once I got to Spokane, lack of communication and an ensuing argument left me 100% alone in the PNW; I was no longer friends with the one person in the area I had any connection with, the only person I thought I could rely on for a close, personal, platonic relationship.

It's been 6 months or so now, and I still haven't made any real friends. I have acquaintances at the bar and my co-residents, but largely I am alone. It certainly feels that way at least.

The year started out with me getting into an argument with my family about my names and pronouns – this has most definitely not been resolved. When called out for it, they told me they "didn't understand" but wouldn't accept resources on the matter because they "wanted to hear it from me", but they never asked any question, and that they "try to say Ani, but the word just won't make it to their lips", and that once I was in Spokane it would be "out of sight, out of mine" and my mom would revert anyways to my deadname. (If there's any English majors reading, this is the part where I must apologize for the egregious run on sentence just used. I am sorry. I know it's wrong, but sometimes you need to break the rules to more effectively communicate emotion) Changing my name in their phone is an easy, low effort change, something small to remind them and speak volumes to me that they care, but that never happened. And every piece of mail I get, I'm reminded that I'm not worth the effort. They told me I should consider myself lucky they didn't put me out on the street after I told them, as if that didn't complicate the situation more for me. If they kicked me out, I would have at least had the chance to move on. Now they still hold me obligated to see them, spend time with them, be apart of the family. I'm not sure that works for me anymore. I've had to see my family or parents three times over the past four months, each time resulting in me spiraling a bit, culminating in a trip to Pittsburgh over Christmas where I stayed with them for a week. Just as I was beginning to accept myself more and take steps to care for myself, I returned to the house I grew up in. For a week, my sense of self was eroded, any confidence I had started to build up was gone. I felt like a ghost walking around my childhood home. It is obvious that no one really cares to see the true me, and I'm not loved as Ani. This has been tough.

But it hasn't been all bad this year. In many ways, I've been the most myself I've ever been able to be. I walked at graduation as Ani, and I moved somewhere people only know me as Ani. I spent some of my happiest moments in Pittsburgh this past spring, mostly thanks to Lynn taking me everywhere. The two of us drove to Philly on a whim and scalped tickets to a sold out show so we could watch Hop Along play for 40 minutes. I got more into cooking for a while, and made some truly memorable meals. I felt my photography grow as well. I saw Still House Plants live finally, and I got to be apart of my best friends' wedding, allowed to truly love and be loved. A week+ in Japan was pure bliss, and some of my last moments in Pittsburgh being used to see Feeble Little Horse in a basement felt like a proper closing of a circle for the city. And there's been some truly beautiful moments visiting Lynn in Rhode Island, and her visiting me here. And where one deep platonic friendship ended, another began, and I had a wonderful new friendship blossom more this past year.

As we begin the new year, I've been listening to a lot of Waxahatchee, especially her 2024 record Tigersblood and her recent collaboration with her sister, Snocaps. Both present fairly simply, but the writing, especially on Tigersblood, really shines. LOTTO by They Are Gutting a Body of Water had me in a chokehold this fall, and as always, I couldn't stop listening to the Fall.

While my mental health suffered, I read less but began to fight my way through books slowly. Misinterpretation by Ledia Xhoga and Vineland by Thomas Pynchon were both good but, similarly, let downs of novels. They had wonderful writing and good stories, the narratives just didn't connect with me in meaningful ways. I'm reading Bend Sinister by Vladimir Nabokov now; it's over my head in a similar way to Pynchon but still enjoyable. I saw wonderful movies for the first time this year. Funeral Parade of Roses, I Saw the TV Glow, We're All Going to the World's Fair, Jeanne Dielman, 23, quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles, and High and Low were all bright spots that deepened my appreciation for film.

What does the next year look like for me? I really don't know. I'm still trying to dig myself out of the hole I've seemingly been in forever. I want to keep up with this site, and I want to decrease my social media use. Somewhere along the line this past year, keeping up with the site became work. I have to continue to grow and hope that someday it, and life, come easier. That's the ideal we're working towards, some art for art's sake bullshit, but I mean it. Perfect is impossible, but that doesn't mean I don't want it. Let's hope the journey is enjoyable.